I was recently consulting with a family who reported something I had heard over and for many years in private practice: My child acts like an angel at School or when at a friend’s house, but it is a hot mess for me.

I tried to explain that School can provide joy, learning, and growth for many children and teenagers. But for some, it’s a battleground of anxiety, where they must constantly mask their inner turmoil to fit in.

Did you know that according to research, anxiety disorders are among the most common mental health issues in children and adolescents, affecting approximately 7% to 10% of children aged 3-17 years old in the United States alone? This alarming statistic sheds light on the daily silent struggles many young individuals face.

I wanted these parents to know in the front of their minds that at School, children and teens often wear a mask of normalcy, hiding their anxiety behind a facade of confidence and composure. They may force themselves to socialize, participate in activities, and maintain good grades, all while battling overwhelming feelings of fear and unease. For these young individuals, the school environment becomes a stage where they must perform, constantly fearing judgment and rejection from their peers.

But once they return home…the mask comes off. Behind closed doors, the true extent of their anxiety becomes evident. They may exhibit symptoms such as irritability, restlessness, difficulty concentrating, anger, and even physical complaints like headaches or stomachaches. Simple tasks like homework or chores can become daunting challenges, further exacerbating their stress levels. Fighting with their parents and siblings is commonplace for these kids at home.

The hard truth about Anxiety Disorders among children and adolescents:

• According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), approximately 32% of adolescents aged 13-18 will experience an anxiety disorder at some point in their lives.
• The Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA) reports that anxiety disorders often coexist with other mental health conditions, such as depression or ADHD, making diagnosis and treatment more complex.
• Studies have shown that untreated childhood anxiety can lead to significant academic, social, and emotional difficulties, impacting long-term well-being and success.

It is important for me to help parents recognize the signs of anxiety in children and teens, which is crucial for early intervention and support. Parents, teachers, and caregivers play a vital role in creating a safe and supportive environment where young individuals feel comfortable expressing their emotions without fear of judgment.

So, How Can We Help?

1. Open Communication
2. Validate Their Feelings
3. Create a Relaxing Home Environment (as much as reasonable)
4. Promote Healthy Habits

Can we take a step back when our kids come home and are a “hot mess” and see the possibility that their anxiety is in charge of their experience? By shedding light on the hidden struggles of children and teens with anxiety, we can break down the stigma surrounding mental health and create a more supportive and understanding society. It’s time to remove the mask and provide the necessary support for our young generation to thrive both in and out of School.

Happy Mental Health Awareness Month.

xoxo,
Dr. Marnee

Children have a remarkable ability to cut through the noise of polite conversation with their unashamed honesty. From pointing out physical flaws to asking uncomfortable questions, their unfiltered remarks can leave adults feeling equal parts amused and embarrassed. 

They often lack a social filter. They say what they think without considering the potential consequences or societal norms. While this can lead to some awkward moments, it also offers a refreshing break from the carefully curated facade many adults present to the world.

For me, knowing where the bluntness comes from is key! Children’s bluntness often comes from a place of curiosity and innocence rather than meanness. When they ask why someone looks different or why a certain food smells funny, they simply seek an understanding of the world around them. 

Can you imagine what it would be like if we adults abandoned our filters? As adults, we are supposed to be diplomatic in our interactions, to sugarcoat the truth, or to avoid uncomfortable topics altogether. However, children’s bluntness is a gentle reminder that honesty doesn’t always require finesse.  There’s a certain humility in acknowledging our flaws and imperfections without the need for pretense.

So, in a world often surrounded by ambiguity and half-truths, the bluntness of children can be a breath of fresh air. Their candid remarks cut through the noise, offering clarity and authenticity in a disarming and refreshing way. While hearing a child’s unfiltered opinion may sting momentarily, there’s something so genuine about their honesty.

Moreover, children’s bluntness reminds us of the importance of being true to ourselves and others. It encourages us to speak our minds openly and honestly, even if it means risking discomfort or disapproval. After all, in a society where authenticity is often undervalued, the ability to speak one’s truth is a gift worth cherishing.

Here is an anecdote of mine. Recently, I was observing a young student in their classroom, and out of nowhere, a classmate approached me and told me that his daddy sleeps naked. Another child overheard this statement, which then led to more children talking about what their parents wear or don’t wear to bed. It’s a good thing the lead teacher knew I did not start the conversation, lol.  

Beneath their blunt words lies a valuable lesson in authenticity and the simplicity of truth. I love this about kids. 

Cheers to honesty,

Dr. Marnee

I recently participated in a virtual talk about birth order. One of the themes of firstborns was their high-functioning tendencies and possible perfectionism. I am not a fan of all or nothing at all kind of thinking, and perfectionism is one of those. 

Perfectionism in childhood is a multifaceted issue that can significantly affect a child’s well-being and development. While striving for excellence seems admirable, perfectionism taken to extremes can lead to anxiety, low self-esteem, and impaired social functioning. Research indicates that a substantial percentage of children experience perfectionistic tendencies, highlighting the importance of addressing this clinical issue with effective strategies. People are not perfect!

Studies suggest that approximately 10% to 15% of children exhibit perfectionistic traits, varying rates depending on age, gender, and environmental influences. Parents, caregivers, and educators must recognize the signs of perfectionism and implement interventions to support children in navigating this challenge.  

Here are three simple techniques backed by research to help children overcome perfectionism:

1. Promote a Growth Mindset: Encourage children to adopt a growth mindset, emphasizing that abilities can be developed through effort and perseverance. Research by Dr. Carol Dweck (and others) has shown that praising children for their effort and strategies, rather than innate talent or intelligence, promotes resilience and a willingness to take on challenges. Help children understand that making mistakes is a natural part of learning. Teach them that setbacks provide opportunities for growth and improvement.  
2. Practice Cognitive Restructuring: Teach children how to challenge and reframe perfectionistic thoughts and beliefs. Cognitive-behavioral techniques can help children recognize and replace unrealistic or unhelpful thinking patterns. For example, encourage children to question the validity of perfectionistic standards. Demonstrate how to consider more realistic and compassionate alternatives. By shifting their perspective, children can reduce anxiety and self-criticism associated with perfectionism.
3. Encourage Healthy Coping Strategies: Equip children with effective coping skills to manage perfectionistic tendencies and related stressors. Research suggests that activities such as mindfulness meditation, deep breathing exercises, and expressive arts can help children regulate their emotions and reduce anxiety. Yes, children and adolescents can learn to meditate! Encourage children to engage in activities that promote relaxation and self-care, such as spending time outdoors, engaging in hobbies, or connecting with supportive peers and adults.

Implementing these techniques can help parents and educators help children overcome perfectionism. By fostering a growth mindset, promoting cognitive restructuring, and encouraging healthy coping strategies, we can empower children to embrace their imperfections, navigate challenges with resilience, and cultivate a positive sense of self-worth. Let’s work together to create a nurturing environment where all children can flourish, regardless of perfectionistic tendencies.

xoxo,

Dr. Marnee

Have you ever wondered why children and adolescents lie? A secret about me- I am a terrible liar. Ask anyone who really knows me, and they will agree.

Have you ever caught your child telling a fib? Or perhaps you’ve witnessed your teenager bending the truth to get out of trouble? Lying is a typical behavior among children, adolescents, and adults.

While it might seem frustrating or concerning, it’s a normal part of development.

So Why Do Kids Lie?

1. Avoiding Punishment: One of the most common reasons children lie is to avoid getting into trouble. Whether they broke a vase or missed curfew, the fear of consequences can lead them to fabricate stories, hoping to escape punishment.
2. Seeking Approval: Children crave approval and acceptance from their parents and peers. They may lie to impress others or to fit in socially. This desire for validation can drive them to exaggerate their accomplishments or hide their mistakes.
3. Protecting Privacy: Children develop a sense of privacy and autonomy as they age. They may lie about their activities or whereabouts to maintain a sense of independence and control over their lives. This deception is scary, especially for parents of teens.
4. Experimenting with Boundaries: Lying can also be a way for children to test boundaries and explore the limits of acceptable behavior. By pushing the boundaries and seeing how others react, they better understand social norms and expectations.
5. Avoiding Disappointment: Kids may lie to avoid disappointing their parents or teachers. They might embellish the truth to live up to unrealistic expectations or to shield their loved ones from disappointment.

Ok, so lying is a natural part of childhood development. But we adults are not fans of lying at all. What do you do if you catch your child in a lie? I suggest giving them an opportunity for a re-do. For real, allow them to reconsider their response. This opportunity can be in that moment (if you have a cool head) or after a break for cooler heads to prevail. We can help our children navigate the value of honesty with patience, understanding, and guidance. By modeling honesty, fostering open communication, and setting realistic expectations, we can empower our children to make ethical choices and build trusting relationships with others. So, let’s embrace the journey of raising honest and accountable individuals who will contribute positively to the world around them. The truth is also easier to remember 😉

xoxo,

Dr. Marnee

I recently met a woman, my senior, who had the most beautiful color eyes- like the color of the ocean close to the beach’s shoreline. I said to her: “You must be sick of people telling you how beautiful your eyes are.” She responded: “These old eyes haven’t been complimented in a long time. Thank you.”  

Really- that is such a shame! In a world often filled with criticism and negativity, it’s easy to overlook the impact a simple compliment can have. Yet, beneath its seemingly small gesture lies a tremendous power to uplift spirits, foster connection, and ignite positivity. 

Just so you know, a compliment is more than just kind words; it’s a validation of someone’s efforts, talents, attributes, or qualities. Whether acknowledging a job well done, praising someone’s creativity, or simply admiring their character, a genuine compliment can brighten someone’s day in ways we may not fully realize. The same can be said for complimenting someone’s physical features or style.  

Consider the times when you’ve received a compliment. It likely brought a smile to your face, boosted your confidence, put a pep in your step, and made you feel appreciated. Such positive reinforcement feels good. Moreover, compliments hold the power to strengthen relationships. Whether it’s between friends, family members, colleagues, or strangers, a sincere compliment can bridge gaps and create a sense of warmth and camaraderie. 

But perhaps the most remarkable aspect of compliments is their ripple effect. When we offer genuine praise to others, it not only brightens their day but also inspires them to spread kindness to others. It’s a beautiful cycle of positivity that has the potential to create a ripple effect far beyond our initial interaction, leaving a lasting impression on the world around us.

In a society where negativity often dominates headlines and social media feeds, it’s crucial to recognize and harness the power of a compliment. Whether it’s a few words of appreciation or a heartfelt acknowledgment, never underestimate the impact you can have on someone’s life simply by offering a genuine compliment. You have the power to make a difference.

So, join me, and let’s make it a habit to spread kindness wherever we go. Whether it’s a child’s painting, your teen’s school project, a coworker’s new haircut, a friend’s recent accomplishment, or a stranger’s infectious smile or how well the color of their dress looks on them, let’s take a moment to lift others up with the power of a compliment. After all, a little bit of kindness goes a long way in a world that can sometimes feel heavy.

Have a good week.

xo,
Dr. Marnee