I recently had the pleasure, for real, of spending time with all three of my nieces. The experience that prompted me to write this piece was the time spent with my sister’s girls, ages 5 and 8. This is not about them but about the people I observed while on our trip to Disney World.

Did everyone lose their manners and common courtesies? Are they taught to children? Are they encouraged by parents? Did I miss the memo?

We live in a society where screens and packed schedules dominate our realities, and teaching children and adolescents about table manners might seem trivial. However, instilling these fundamental etiquettes is important, and they lay the groundwork for invaluable social skills throughout life. Whether dining at home, in a restaurant, or with peers, here are just a few reasons why I think acquiring table manners in children and adolescents matters:

1. Respect and Consideration: Table manners are a tangible expression of respect and consideration for others. By teaching children to wait their turn, use utensils properly, and engage in polite conversation, we instill empathy and awareness of others’ needs. These small acts of courtesy create a positive dining environment and encourage mutual respect among diners.
2. Social Confidence: As children and adolescents navigate social interactions, knowing how to conduct themselves at the table can boost their confidence and self-assurance. Understanding basic table etiquette, such as holding utensils and engaging in polite conversation, equips them with the skills to navigate diverse dining situations quickly and gracefully.
3. Family Bonding: Family meals provide valuable opportunities for bonding and communication. By incorporating table manners into mealtime routines, parents can create a nurturing environment where children learn to share, listen, and connect with family members. These shared experiences foster a sense of belonging and strengthen family ties.
4. Health and Nutrition: Table manners encourage mindful eating practices, which are essential for promoting healthy habits and well-being. Teaching children to eat slowly, enjoy the experience, and pay attention to portion sizes fosters a healthy relationship with food and reduces the risk of overeating. By practicing good manners at the table, children develop lifelong habits that contribute to their overall health and nutrition.
5. Preparation for the Future: As children grow into adolescents and young adults, knowledge of table manners becomes increasingly important in social and professional settings. Whether dining with friends, attending formal events, or participating in job interviews, understanding proper etiquette sets adolescents apart, enhances their social competence, and improves their professional prospects. Did you know that some colleges/university programs require some students to attend business etiquette training for meals because students do not know how to behave appropriately in such settings?

I firmly believe that cultivating table manners in children and adolescents is about more than just following rules; it’s about promoting essential life skills that contribute to their personal and social development. So, to answer your question, children between 18 months and two years can use a child-safe fork. Children at age five can learn to use a fork and knife properly.

Let me know what you think. Am I too old-school about this?
xo,
Dr. Marnee

Hey there, lovely people. Today, let’s think about creating healthy relationships and fostering emotional intelligence: the difference between teaching behavioral control and emotional control.

Picture this: You’re at a bustling playground, watching kids run around, laughing, and playing. Suddenly, a small scuffle breaks out over a toy, the energy shifts completely, and emotions flare up. As adults, our instinct might be to intervene immediately, telling the kids to calm down or to stop feeling upset.

But wait- here’s the thing: we can guide behavior, we can’t dictate emotions.

Behavioral control is about setting boundaries and expectations around how we act and interact with others. It’s teaching children (and even ourselves) the importance of kindness, respect, and responsibility. It’s saying, “We don’t hit our friends when we’re upset” or “We take turns and share our toys.”

On the other hand, emotional control is a bit trickier. It’s about recognizing and managing our feelings in a healthy way. Emotions are complex and deeply personal. They’re influenced by our experiences, thoughts, and even biology. And while we can help kids understand their emotions and provide tools for coping, we can’t simply tell them to stop feeling a certain way. Actually, we shouldn’t!

Imagine if someone told you to stop feeling sad when you were grieving or to stop being excited when something amazing happened. It wouldn’t make sense, right? Emotions are a natural part of being human, and trying to suppress or ignore them can actually be harmful in the long run.

So, what can we do? First, we adults need to get control over our own emotional experiences before we can be there for our children. Then, we can create a supportive environment where emotions are acknowledged and accepted. We can teach children healthy ways to express their feelings, whether it’s through talking, drawing, or taking deep breaths. We can validate their emotions, letting them know that it’s okay to feel all of their feelings. Help name their feelings: jealous, angry, sad, frustrated, confused, silly, overwhelmed, proud, excited, happy, and so on. Let kids know that we’re here to help them navigate those emotions and that no feeling is wrong.

By focusing on teaching behavioral control while respecting the complexity of emotions, we can empower children to develop into empathetic, resilient individuals. So, the next time you find yourself in a situation where emotions are running high, remember: that while we can guide behavior, we can’t control feelings. And that’s perfectly okay. Let’s embrace the journey of understanding and supporting each other through all the ups and downs of life.

Happy parenting!

xoxo,

Dr. Marnee

The answer is found when we strike a balance between support & autonomy.

Wednesday night’s conversation flew by and there were several questions that I did not get to. Let’s discuss one of these today: Should we let children fail?

Can you guess my answer?

Yep, you know it- let them fail.- well sort of, sometimes, maybe…

At times, at the right time, giving our kids the space to fail is actually one of the best things we can do for their growth and development. Failure is not a bad thing. In fact, it’s a natural part of the learning process. Think about it—how did you learn to ride a bike? You probably fell off a few times before you got the hang of it, right? Well, the same principle applies to pretty much everything else in life. Failure teaches resilience, perseverance, and problem-solving skills—all essential qualities for success in today’s world.

At other times, benevolence is the better route.

For example, let’s say your child forgets to pack their homework in their backpack – what do you do? I would bring it to them. Actually, I have brought it or used my PDF scanning on my phone and emailed it to them. I will give my kids 1 pass per semester. Why you might wonder? Because things happen to all of us! Instead of berating them or shaming them, use it as a teachable moment. Talk about what happened and what they can do differently next time. Encourage them to come up with their own solutions and brainstorm ways to prevent it from happening again in the future.

Here’s the catch: If forgetting their work is a pattern, then the issue needs to be addressed. If the pattern of forgetting their homework is due to a true problem of executive functioning- then help them.

If it is a problem of willful disregard and disrespect- then do not rescue. But with this scenario, I also would not be too invested in them turning in their homework either…it is their homework and the parental investment will feed the power struggle.

Here’s the thing: as parents, our natural instinct is to protect our children from failure. We want to shield them from disappointment, heartache, and frustration. Especially if we see the issue as preventable. And while that comes from a place of love, it can actually do more harm than good in the long run. By swooping in to fix every problem or smooth over every bump in the road, we rob our kids of the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and grow stronger as a result (think bulldozer).

So, do we let them fail? I believe that the answer to this question is really all about striking a balance between support and autonomy. I am confident that we can still be there for our children, cheering them on, and offering guidance when they need it. We also need to give them the freedom to make their own choices and experience the outcome—both good and bad.

Until next time,
Dr. Marnee

This past Friday I had the unfortunate experience of attending a funeral of a long-time friend. We met when I was a freshman in high school and she was a sophomore. She was warm, funny, full of smiles, and vibrant. We lost touch over the years and reconnected at preschool with our kids. I then got to know her as a dedicated mother of two. Over the past many years, I had the privlage of getting to know her as a professional. We collaborated regarding the care and education of several of the children that she tutored. She loved her students.

Suicide is a deeply tragic and complex phenomenon that leaves behind a wake of devastation and unanswered questions. When it occurs in middle-aged mothers who develop late-onset psychiatric disorders, the pain and confusion are amplified.

Late-onset psychiatric disorders, such as major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and others, can manifest unexpectedly in middle age, often catching both the individual and their loved ones off guard. For mothers who may have spent decades managing the demands of family life and careers, the sudden onset of these disorders can be disorienting and overwhelming. The stigma surrounding mental illness may also intensify feelings of shame and isolation, making it even more difficult for mothers to seek help. (This last part was not my friend, as she desperately sought help.) Unfortunately, the stigma surrounding mental illness remains a pervasive barrier to understanding that mental health issues are part of human health. I will say it again, mental health is human health! Many mothers may fear judgment from others, worrying that their struggles will reflect poorly on their ability to fulfill their multiple roles. This fear of stigma and shame can prevent them from reaching out for support, trapping them in a cycle of isolation, despair, and distorted thinking. Changes in behavior, such as withdrawal from social activities, increased irritability, or expressions of hopelessness, may indicate that a mother is struggling with her mental health.

I call on our communities to create a safe space for open communication and provide unconditional support, reassuring mothers that they are not alone in their battles.

Can we hold non-judgmental space for those who are struggling?

Can we provide access to mental health resources and treatment options ensuring that mothers receive the care and support they need to manage their conditions effectively?

Can we hold non-judgmental space for those who can not beat the disease and commit suicide?

Can we show empathy and support for those loved ones who are left behind when the interventions can not outmatch the disease of mental illness? These family members must live broken without a chance of full repair.

The tragedy of suicide among mothers affected by late-onset psychiatric disorders is a stark reminder of the urgent need for greater awareness, empathy, and support. We must break the silence surrounding mental illness and start advocating for comprehensive mental health care!!! Let us honor the memory of those lost to suicide by working together to create a society where mental health is prioritized, and no one suffers in silence.

Mental health is part of human health!

xoxo,

M

RIP: MLRR

May your memory be for a blessing.