by Parents Living Learning Community | Nov 12, 2024 | Mondays with Dr. Marnee
I recently talked with a friend who was on the verge of tears about her current situation. She waited to get married and have children later than her parents did. No judgment, just the facts. These facts place her in a common position of having parents who have needs because they are aging and in their late 60s & early to mid-70s while having younger children who are in preschool and lower elementary school. Being part of the sandwich generation means juggling the responsibilities of caring for your aging parents while also raising your own children. This dual role can be overwhelming!
Helping children understand why things might be different at home can foster empathy, patience, and support. Here’s how you can explain the situation to your kids:
- Keeping Explanations Simple, Honest, and Age-Appropriate: Tailor your explanation to your child’s age and maturity level. Younger children need simpler explanations, while older kids and teenagers can handle more detailed discussions. The general message is the same: We’re helping take care of them because that is what we do in our family- A family takes care of each other.
- Addressing Their Feelings and Acknowledge Emotions: Let your children know that it’s okay to have all kinds of feelings about the situation. They might feel confused, frustrated, annoyed, or even neglected. Let them know that their feelings are valid. It can be very challenging when your child’s reaction is negative. Try not to take it too personally; it is part of the process.
- Provide Reassurance: Make sure your children know that your love and care for them hasn’t changed. Explain that while things might be busier and more stressful, your commitment to their well-being remains the same. It is even ok to join with them and let your child know that it is not always fun or even something you prefer to do, but that caring for people you love is part of showing love.
- Involving Them in Caregiving By Assign Age-Appropriate Tasks: Involve your children in helping out in ways that are suitable for their age. This can help them feel included and understand the importance of family support.
- Teach Empathy: Use this opportunity to teach your children about empathy and the importance of helping others. Explain how their actions, no matter how small, can make a big difference in their grandparents’ lives.
- Stick to Routines: Try to maintain normalcy and routine as much as possible. Regular meals, homework, and bedtime schedules can help children feel secure amidst the changes. I am a big fan of predictability when possible.
- Quality Family Time: Make time for fun and bonding activities with your children. This can help alleviate feelings of neglect and strengthen family bonds. Remember, 5 to 10 minutes of undivided parental attention to a child of any age (meaning stepping away from the phone or multi-tasking) will make a world of difference.
- Keep Them Informed: Regularly update your children about any significant changes in the caregiving situation. It can help them feel involved and reduce uncertainty. Use the Little Red Riding Hood method of not being too soft or too hard but just right for sharing information.
- Have an Open Dialogue: Encourage your children to ask questions and express their concerns. Having an open line of communication ensures that they feel heard and supported. Remember to follow their lead when answering questions.
So, back to my friend, I left the conversation with care and concern for my friend and gave her these reminders:
She is a good mom.
Her children will be ok.
Hard and bad are not the same thing.
She is not alone.
Sending love to all in the sandwich generation.
xoxo,
Dr. Marnee
by Parents Living Learning Community | Nov 11, 2024 | Mondays with Dr. Marnee
Now that summer is halfway over, plus or minus, I have been hearing from families that they are struggling with the unstructured nature of summer. I get it, and I totally acknowledge that in today’s fast-paced, technology-driven world, finding activities that bring families together can be a challenge. So, I suggest we go old-school and play games as a family. From classic board games to modern video games, multi-generational game playing offers many benefits, especially for children.
Strengthening Family Bonds
Playing games as a family creates a shared experience that strengthens familial ties. Children, parents, and grandparents can all participate, fostering a sense of belonging. This shared activity encourages open communication and helps build a support system where children feel valued and understood. We all want to feel connected and belong. ANDDDDD, spending quality time with family members through game-playing can significantly boost a child’s emotional well-being.
Learning Important Social Skills
Games are a fantastic way for children to learn and practice social skills. Kids learn to interact positively with others through turn-taking, teamwork, and sportsmanship. Multi-generational play further enriches this experience as children learn to navigate social dynamics with individuals of different ages, enhancing their ability to communicate and empathize. Imagine the 82-year-old grandmother and the 10-year-old granddaughter playing Boggle. I recently had the opportunity to witness this exchange, and it was beautiful.
Enhancing Cognitive Abilities
Many games require strategic thinking, problem-solving, and critical thinking—skills that are crucial for a child’s cognitive development. Whether it’s planning the next move in chess or figuring out how to build a winning strategy in a board game, these activities stimulate the brain and enhance cognitive abilities. Playing with older generations, who may offer wisdom and different perspectives, can further challenge and expand a child’s thinking. I just learned about an electronic game on the app store (I know, more screen time- but this is a goodie) called Last Letter First- check it out.
Teaching Valuable Life Lessons
Games often mirror real-life scenarios and dilemmas, providing a safe environment for children to learn valuable life lessons. Concepts such as fairness, patience, and perseverance are integral to game playing. Through observing and interacting with adults during games, children learn how to handle wins and losses gracefully, an invaluable skill in real life. I like Jenga for this one, among others.
Encouraging Intergenerational Learning
Games offer a unique platform for intergenerational learning. Children can teach their grandparents how to play the latest video games, while grandparents can introduce classic games from their childhood. Or even teach the family the games that they play today. This exchange of knowledge and skills keeps traditions alive and fosters mutual respect and understanding between generations. This is where American Mah Jogg comes in for my little family, and it makes my heart sing.
So, next time you’re looking for an activity that everyone can enjoy, consider pulling out a game and watching the magic unfold.
xoxo,
Dr. Marnee
by Parents Living Learning Community | Nov 10, 2024 | Mondays with Dr. Marnee
It is that time again. Summer is done or drawing to a close, and the school bells begin to ring again. Many parents find themselves grappling with a familiar feeling—the back-to-school jitters. But let’s be honest, it’s not just the kids who get a case of the butterflies. We parents can feel it, too! Whether your child is stepping into school for the first time or moving up to a new grade, the start of the school year can stir up a mix of emotions. This blog is for you about your jitters, big or small.
It’s Okay to Feel Nervous
First things first, let’s acknowledge it: It’s totally normal to feel a little anxious about sending your child back to school. You’re not alone in wondering if they’ll adjust well, make new friends, or keep up with their studies. These feelings are part of the parenting package, and it’s okay to have them. Been there and doing that!
Focus on the Positives
While it’s easy to get caught up in the worries, try to focus on the positives. A new school year means new opportunities—for learning, growth, and fun! Your child will be diving into new subjects, meeting different teachers, and possibly discovering interests they didn’t know they had. Celebrate these new beginnings and the exciting adventures ahead. Here is where the growth mindset fits into things.
Open the Lines of Communication
Talk with your child about their own feelings. Chances are, they’re experiencing their own set of jitters. By being open about your feelings to a point, show them that it’s okay to be nervous, and that they’re not alone. Encourage them to share their thoughts, and listen without judgment. Sometimes, just knowing they have a supportive ear can make all the difference.
Take Care of Yourself, Too
Remember, your well-being is important. Take a few moments for self-care, whether it’s enjoying a quiet cup of coffee, getting some fresh air, or chatting with a friend who understands. The more grounded you feel, the better you’ll be able to support your child. I am writing this with my coffee next to me, lol.
Celebrate the Milestones
Every school year is a milestone, a step forward in your child’s journey, regardless of age or grade. Take pride in these moments, even if they come with a few jitters. Watching your child grow, learn, and thrive is one of the most rewarding parts of being a parent.
So, here’s to a new school year—may it be filled with growth, learning, and just the right amount of excitement to keep things interesting. And remember, you’ve got this!
GTG- xoxo
Dr. Marnee
by Parents Living Learning Community | Nov 9, 2024 | Mondays with Dr. Marnee
I recently spoke with a family about their child and her hyper-competitiveness- well, that is how they explained the behavior they were concerned about. In our brief discussion, we discussed that competition is everywhere—from classrooms to sports fields and even in social circles. While a healthy sense of competition can motivate children to push their limits and achieve their best, it can also lead to unnecessary stress and frustration if not appropriately managed. As parents, one of the most effective ways to help your child navigate their competitive nature is by emphasizing the importance of effort over the outcome.
The way I see it, when children are solely focused on winning or being the best, they are actually fighting with their fear of failure. ****Anxiety**** Fear of failure can interfere with appropriate risk-taking, trying new things, and even learning. By focusing on effort, parents can help their children understand that success isn’t just about coming first—it’s about personal growth, persistence, and the hard work they put in along the way. Here are 5 mental shifts to keep in mind when communicating with your child.
- Celebrate the Process: Praise your child for their dedication, practice, and improvement rather than just the final result.
- Set Effort-Based Goals: Encourage your child to set goals that focus on what they can control, like improving their skills or preparation, rather than solely aiming to win.
- Model Effort Appreciation: Share a story from your own experiences where effort was more important than the outcome. *A story=1. Don’t over-talk it.
- Encourage Self-Reflection: After a competitive event, instead of asking, “What did you get on your test?” try asking, “How do you feel about the effort you put in?” or “What did you learn from this experience?”
- Teach Resilience: Help your child understand that setbacks and losses are part of learning. Emphasize that it’s okay not to win every time or get an A for every grade, and what matters is how they bounce back and apply the lessons learned.
Back to the parents I was working with- the mom cried during our conversation. I think her own anxiety regarding the fear of failure as a mom crept up on her. It gave me an opportunity to focus on her effort as a parent, inject a boost of resilience, and remind her that the work of a parent is long and winding and that she and her daughter are worth the effort. As for her daughter, I am confident we can help her better manage competitive situations and grow into a confident and well-rounded young woman. We all need to keep in mind that true success is personal growth, not just winning the game. This mindset will also help squish the anxiety of fear of failure.
Happy squishing!
xoxo,
Dr. Marnee
by Parents Living Learning Community | Nov 8, 2024 | Mondays with Dr. Marnee
Moms are often seen as the superheroes of the household—juggling work, kids, and endless to-do lists with seemingly effortless grace. But behind the scenes, many mothers struggle with a silent burden: The difficulty of asking for and accepting help. This reluctance stems from a deep-seated belief that they should be able to handle everything on their own. (There is that SHOULD statement that I totally resemble!)
Whether it’s the fear of being judged, the pressure to live up to unrealistic standards, or simply the desire to maintain control, many moms find it hard to reach out when they need support. The truth is that I have been struggling with this and have a few more weeks to go since my surgery has left me limited. ***I am fine and will be better than ever.***
So, we all know that this SHOULD mindset can lead to burnout, stress, and even resentment. The truth is- no one can do it all, and trying to live up to that impossible standard is neither healthy nor sustainable. (I am working through it now, lol.) Moms need to realize that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a necessary act of self-care. It’s okay to lean on others, whether it’s for help with the kids, a shoulder to cry on, or simply to take a break. ***Thank you for the calls, groceries, flowers, chocolates, laundry folding, dishes being washed, visits…they have helped me so much.***
We need to remember that help can come in many forms, and it doesn’t always have to be from another adult. Children, no matter their age, can be valuable contributors. Younger kids can pitch in with small tasks like setting the table or tidying up their toys, while older children can take on more responsibility, like helping with dinner or watching their siblings. Involving children not only lightens the load but also teaches them important life skills and the value of teamwork. ***I can not thank my son (who is home) enough for all he has done and continues to do!***
I am sure that breaking this cycle starts with changing the narrative many of us have. It’s time for moms to embrace the idea that they deserve support and that it’s perfectly fine to ask for it. Letting go of the guilt and embracing help can lead to a happier, healthier family life—and a much happier mom. Another bonus is that the kids feel valued, too. After all, even superheroes need a sidekick sometimes.
Happy Growing,
Dr. Marnee
