I said this phrase across the table over a sushi lunch with a dear friend. I was talking to her. Yes, you got it. There were only two of us at the table and I raised my voice a bit and spoke harshly to her and said: Don’t talk to my friend like that!
I was not being rude or insensitive. I actually wanted her to hear the words she was saying. She was being so hard on herself as a mother, a friend, a wife, a daughter, and as an individual. And I couldn’t stand it anymore.
You see, we all have “ghosts in the nursery” to one extent or another. The concept of “ghosts in the nursery,” coined by psychoanalyst Selma Fraiberg, puts forth the notion that unresolved traumas or negative experiences from a parent’s past can “haunt” and influence parenting behaviors, ultimately affecting their children.
As an evolving person, it is our job to understand when the “ghost” is whispering, or even shouting, in our ears. For my friend, her “ghost” has challenged her self-concept for her 50+ years on this earth and caused doubt in all aspects of her life.
I saw the pain in my friend’s eyes discussing the situation she was having with her own mother, and it created a strong reaction in me towards her. I felt sad and angry that her inner dialog was one of negativity and not being good enough. I said to her: You are good. You do not have to try to be good. You are good. Stop trying to be a “good girl” because there is no need. You are already good.
The tears ran down her face.
I do not think she ever was told that before.
You see, children are full of potential and inherent goodness. It is our job to teach them that they are good, to have compassion, to be honest, and have empathy….I can go on.
Our feelings and experiences from our childhood can be like ghosts that hang around us, even when we don’t see them. Things in your past that have not been fully dealt with tend to hang around, whisper, or shout in our ears, and impact the way you parent your children. This is a heavy concept but an important one. How you communicate with your children is directly related to how you were spoken to as a child. How you communicate with yourself in your internal dialog directly impacts how you are as a parent.
So when you become aware of the “ghost” talking in your ear, tell it to SHUT UP because you are good enough. Remember, you and your child are full of potential: each person is unique and filled with abundance. Your children are inherently good, as are you.
Unresolved experiences from a parent’s past can “haunt” and influence parenting behaviors, ultimately affecting their children. How you communicate with your children is directly related to how you were spoken to as a child. How you communicate with yourself in your internal dialog directly impacts how you are as a parent.