I recently spoke with a family about their child and her hyper-competitiveness- well, that is how they explained the behavior they were concerned about. In our brief discussion, we discussed that competition is everywhere—from classrooms to sports fields and even in social circles. While a healthy sense of competition can motivate children to push their limits and achieve their best, it can also lead to unnecessary stress and frustration if not appropriately managed. As parents, one of the most effective ways to help your child navigate their competitive nature is by emphasizing the importance of effort over the outcome.
The way I see it, when children are solely focused on winning or being the best, they are actually fighting with their fear of failure. ****Anxiety**** Fear of failure can interfere with appropriate risk-taking, trying new things, and even learning. By focusing on effort, parents can help their children understand that success isn’t just about coming first—it’s about personal growth, persistence, and the hard work they put in along the way. Here are 5 mental shifts to keep in mind when communicating with your child.
- Celebrate the Process: Praise your child for their dedication, practice, and improvement rather than just the final result.
- Set Effort-Based Goals: Encourage your child to set goals that focus on what they can control, like improving their skills or preparation, rather than solely aiming to win.
- Model Effort Appreciation: Share a story from your own experiences where effort was more important than the outcome. *A story=1. Don’t over-talk it.
- Encourage Self-Reflection: After a competitive event, instead of asking, “What did you get on your test?” try asking, “How do you feel about the effort you put in?” or “What did you learn from this experience?”
- Teach Resilience: Help your child understand that setbacks and losses are part of learning. Emphasize that it’s okay not to win every time or get an A for every grade, and what matters is how they bounce back and apply the lessons learned.
Back to the parents I was working with- the mom cried during our conversation. I think her own anxiety regarding the fear of failure as a mom crept up on her. It gave me an opportunity to focus on her effort as a parent, inject a boost of resilience, and remind her that the work of a parent is long and winding and that she and her daughter are worth the effort. As for her daughter, I am confident we can help her better manage competitive situations and grow into a confident and well-rounded young woman. We all need to keep in mind that true success is personal growth, not just winning the game. This mindset will also help squish the anxiety of fear of failure.
Happy squishing!
xoxo,
Dr. Marnee