The answer is found when we strike a balance between support & autonomy.
Wednesday night’s conversation flew by and there were several questions that I did not get to. Let’s discuss one of these today: Should we let children fail?
Can you guess my answer?
Yep, you know it- let them fail.- well sort of, sometimes, maybe…
At times, at the right time, giving our kids the space to fail is actually one of the best things we can do for their growth and development. Failure is not a bad thing. In fact, it’s a natural part of the learning process. Think about it—how did you learn to ride a bike? You probably fell off a few times before you got the hang of it, right? Well, the same principle applies to pretty much everything else in life. Failure teaches resilience, perseverance, and problem-solving skills—all essential qualities for success in today’s world.
At other times, benevolence is the better route.
For example, let’s say your child forgets to pack their homework in their backpack – what do you do? I would bring it to them. Actually, I have brought it or used my PDF scanning on my phone and emailed it to them. I will give my kids 1 pass per semester. Why you might wonder? Because things happen to all of us! Instead of berating them or shaming them, use it as a teachable moment. Talk about what happened and what they can do differently next time. Encourage them to come up with their own solutions and brainstorm ways to prevent it from happening again in the future.
Here’s the catch: If forgetting their work is a pattern, then the issue needs to be addressed. If the pattern of forgetting their homework is due to a true problem of executive functioning- then help them.
If it is a problem of willful disregard and disrespect- then do not rescue. But with this scenario, I also would not be too invested in them turning in their homework either…it is their homework and the parental investment will feed the power struggle.
Here’s the thing: as parents, our natural instinct is to protect our children from failure. We want to shield them from disappointment, heartache, and frustration. Especially if we see the issue as preventable. And while that comes from a place of love, it can actually do more harm than good in the long run. By swooping in to fix every problem or smooth over every bump in the road, we rob our kids of the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and grow stronger as a result (think bulldozer).
So, do we let them fail? I believe that the answer to this question is really all about striking a balance between support and autonomy. I am confident that we can still be there for our children, cheering them on, and offering guidance when they need it. We also need to give them the freedom to make their own choices and experience the outcome—both good and bad.
Until next time,
Dr. Marnee