Dear Dr. Marnee,
I hope this note finds you well. I’m reaching out about my daughter, who loves the idea of sleepovers with her friends but struggles to stay the night. Every time she goes, we get a call in the middle of the night asking to come home because she can’t sleep. And then I can’t sleep waiting for the call.
I want to support her desire to spend time with her friends, but I also don’t want her to feel like she’s failing or missing out because she can’t stay the whole night. I’d love your advice on how to help her navigate this without adding more pressure.
Thank you for your time and guidance!
Warm regards,
JR
Dear JR,
Thank you for reaching out—this is such a common challenge, and you’re not alone in navigating it! It’s wonderful that your daughter wants to participate in sleepovers; that shows her enthusiasm for connecting with her friends, even if staying overnight feels difficult right now.
First, let’s frame this positively: her attempts to go to sleepovers are already a big step! It’s okay if she’s not ready to stay the entire night just yet. What’s important is that she’s building confidence by trying.
Here’s how you can support her:
- Talk It Through: Before the sleepover, have a conversation about her feelings. What is it about staying overnight that feels hard? Identifying the specific challenge (homesickness, fear of the dark, unfamiliar surroundings) can help you both come up with strategies.
- Set a Plan: Consider a gradual approach, like a “sleep-under,” where she stays until bedtime and then comes home. This lets her enjoy time with her friends without the added pressure of sleeping there. (I’ve used this technique with families before and even had the child stay the night because the anxiety about leaving had dissipated.)
- Normalize Her Feelings: Let her know it’s okay to need time to adjust. Many kids feel the same way, and it doesn’t make her any less capable or brave.
- Practice Coping Tools: Help her prepare for the next sleepover by teaching her simple techniques to calm herself, like breathing exercises or bringing a comforting item from home.
By now you know me, and know that I believe that it is super important to celebrate her efforts. Count each win! Each time she tries, even if she calls you in the middle of the night, she’s practicing independence in her own way. With time and encouragement, she’ll feel more comfortable and confident.
Please feel free to reach out if you’d like to discuss this further—I’d be happy to help.
Happy Parenting,
Dr. Marnee